I feel like I have been running a marathon this week. Yesterday was the last day of school. This week I had 3 full days of speaking tests (those wore me out), I had to finalize grades, we had 2 barbecues.... lots of "final" things to do.
I am happy that I am coming back next year. I get to further my relationships with the students and continue my ministry here. Just in the last couple months I have gotten to spend more time and get to know particular students better. Please for for this relationships and for them to strengthen next year.
I will be heading back to the States for 2 months on June 22...I am excited about this time with family and friends and to prepare for next year.
I would also love prayer for something God is trying to speak to me about the future. I have really been praying for some things I want for my life and asking Him to confirm these as his "kingdom dreams" for me or to take them away. I'm not ready yet to throw it out there for all of you to read because I want to hear more from God and be more confident about what He wants first. It involves a crazy dream I had one night and things I have been thinking about for a while now. More to come on that!
I hope to see you this summer!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Very Worst Missionary
A Great Blog by "The Very Worst Missionary"--named Jamie:
When I look at you, all I can think about is how no little girl ever dreamt of growing up to be a crack whore.
You scare me. The way your eyes dart around in your head like a frightened animal. And that thing you do with your mouth, working it back and forth, back and forth, over no words and no food. Like you just can't stop chewing a giant, imaginary wad of gum.
You freak me out.
And you break my heart.
I see you begging for food and change at every car window. I see you stumbling out of the coffee fields, followed by some guy, zipping up his pants. I see you lapping up water out of a pothole in the middle of the street, like a dog. I see you, and I think for sure that you're pregnant... and I see you a week later and I know for sure that you're not.
And every time I see you, I think about how nobody wanted this for you, especially not you.
I see you and I think, "We are polar opposites."
You are dark and brown and swirling onyx from head to toe. And I am light and white and gold. Your eyes look like the night, and mine, the day. And everything good inside of you is teaming to get out, straining against the interlinked arms of drugs and abuse that have brought you to this wretched place. This spot on a street corner where you sit in your own waste and stare off into space because you're blitzed out of your ever-loving mind.
I watch you from my car. Where every awful thing inside of me is fighting to get out, throwing itself a against this fortress of vanity, of bleached smile and plucked brow, of a too-pricey haircut and the perfect push-up bra - every selfish intention, every malignant thought, every raging, hypocritical rant is right there under the surface, searching out the weak spots for a place to leak out and contaminate the world.
You're a tweaker. So they spit on you and tell you to get a job.
I'm a missionary. So they pat me on the back and tell me I'm awesome.
But once upon a time - back before someone broke you and before Someone fixed me - we were both just little girls. We probably both played with baby dolls and maybe we both had daydreams of what our ever-afters would look like, of what kind of women we'd be. Probably neither of us came very close to what we dreamed as kids... I know I'm not who I thought I'd be. And I know that no little girl ever dreamed of being a crack-whore...
There you are, all wild-eyed and chatting up a fire hydrant. And as I drive past you to get to the mall, my chest starts to feel heavy and my pulse picks up and I can feel, when I see you, that I have a heart for you.
Yes. I have a heart for you.
I don't even know what that means, except that I know it's true.
Who do you have a heart for?
CLICK HERE to vist Jamie's blog.
When I look at you, all I can think about is how no little girl ever dreamt of growing up to be a crack whore.
You scare me. The way your eyes dart around in your head like a frightened animal. And that thing you do with your mouth, working it back and forth, back and forth, over no words and no food. Like you just can't stop chewing a giant, imaginary wad of gum.
You freak me out.
And you break my heart.
I see you begging for food and change at every car window. I see you stumbling out of the coffee fields, followed by some guy, zipping up his pants. I see you lapping up water out of a pothole in the middle of the street, like a dog. I see you, and I think for sure that you're pregnant... and I see you a week later and I know for sure that you're not.
And every time I see you, I think about how nobody wanted this for you, especially not you.
I see you and I think, "We are polar opposites."
You are dark and brown and swirling onyx from head to toe. And I am light and white and gold. Your eyes look like the night, and mine, the day. And everything good inside of you is teaming to get out, straining against the interlinked arms of drugs and abuse that have brought you to this wretched place. This spot on a street corner where you sit in your own waste and stare off into space because you're blitzed out of your ever-loving mind.
I watch you from my car. Where every awful thing inside of me is fighting to get out, throwing itself a against this fortress of vanity, of bleached smile and plucked brow, of a too-pricey haircut and the perfect push-up bra - every selfish intention, every malignant thought, every raging, hypocritical rant is right there under the surface, searching out the weak spots for a place to leak out and contaminate the world.
You're a tweaker. So they spit on you and tell you to get a job.
I'm a missionary. So they pat me on the back and tell me I'm awesome.
But once upon a time - back before someone broke you and before Someone fixed me - we were both just little girls. We probably both played with baby dolls and maybe we both had daydreams of what our ever-afters would look like, of what kind of women we'd be. Probably neither of us came very close to what we dreamed as kids... I know I'm not who I thought I'd be. And I know that no little girl ever dreamed of being a crack-whore...
There you are, all wild-eyed and chatting up a fire hydrant. And as I drive past you to get to the mall, my chest starts to feel heavy and my pulse picks up and I can feel, when I see you, that I have a heart for you.
Yes. I have a heart for you.
I don't even know what that means, except that I know it's true.
Who do you have a heart for?
CLICK HERE to vist Jamie's blog.
Winter Chill
Hello everyone...sorry I haven't written. I have been hesitant to write because my students have access to my blog. I've decided I really need to blog though and I do want to share with you what's going on. So I'm sorry for that.
We are in the dead of winter and it is cold! I am definitely tired of the cold and of wearing my boots. I am ready for sun and flip-flops. Please pray for renewed energy and against the "winter slump." Also, I have a roommate with laryngitis and my other roommate and I kind of have sore throats. Please pray for HEALTH in Jesus' name!
I am enjoying teaching and learning about school in Hungary. Hungarian students are interesting and hilarious and I'm learning a lot about them.
One of the hardest things, I think, about being here is how much sex and nudity is so open and "acceptable" here. It's so in-your-face and difficult to avoid. Purity is not really valued. I could use prayer for protection for my mind and for words to encourage and speak to my students when comments are made in class.
I suppose that is enough for now. Would love to hear from you and I appreciate your prayers.
We are in the dead of winter and it is cold! I am definitely tired of the cold and of wearing my boots. I am ready for sun and flip-flops. Please pray for renewed energy and against the "winter slump." Also, I have a roommate with laryngitis and my other roommate and I kind of have sore throats. Please pray for HEALTH in Jesus' name!
I am enjoying teaching and learning about school in Hungary. Hungarian students are interesting and hilarious and I'm learning a lot about them.
One of the hardest things, I think, about being here is how much sex and nudity is so open and "acceptable" here. It's so in-your-face and difficult to avoid. Purity is not really valued. I could use prayer for protection for my mind and for words to encourage and speak to my students when comments are made in class.
I suppose that is enough for now. Would love to hear from you and I appreciate your prayers.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Psalm 130
God has given me Psalm 130 for my students and the country of Hungary. Take a look at it! I look forward to discovering more about what God has to say in this chapter and what He has to say to those I come in contact with.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
Leaving
The time has come. As I head out tomorrow for training and then Hungary, I have been thinking a lot about this idea of leaving. Leaving family, friends, comfort, familiarity, and so on. Everybody does it(almost everybody)...I've done it with the World Race. It seems almost harder this time because I have an idea of what to expect...
People in the Bible were always leaving their life as they new it to pursue God's vision for them. Moses was pushed down a river ("leaving" his family) before he could even make the choice himself; the rest of his life surrounded leaving comfort and privilege to pursue God's task of leadership and redemption of His people.
Jacob had to flee from Esau after stealing his birthright. He leaves home and ends up in the desert first:
"12 He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. 13 There above it stood the LORD, and he said: "I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. 14 Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. 15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:12-15)
God gives Him a promise (the land), a task (multiply & bless), and a journey...Jacob has to LEAVE this piece of land to inherit it.
There are many, many more examples throughout the Bible of God's promises to those who obey His instruction to get up and go. In my case, I tend to allow fear to enter in. Fear for family and friends' safety and fear that I will miss out on the lives of the people I love.
I had trouble sleeping last night. It took me forever to go to sleep (after 1 am) and I snapped awake at 6:30 am this morning with my mind running a mile a minute. (I always do that before I travel). One thing that was running through my mind was something God was speaking to me about leaving and missing out on others lives. God was telling me this morning that I am not responsible for others' lives; that I cannot bare this responsibility. He was telling me that if I don't follow His leading then I will miss out on my own ABUNDANT LIFE! Wow! What a life-giving rebuke from God. I HAVE TO LEAVE TO DISCOVER THE ABUNDANT LIFE GOD HAS FOR ME.
I will miss my family and friends. I will miss my life here at home. It will be a struggle to be gone again during the holidays. To not be able to come home. This is okay! I learned last year during World Race training that is okay to grieve and to struggle through things while still following the path of God. Last year we were asked to do something called "Grief Journaling." This is where we had to sit and write out everything that's on our mind, what we are sad about, anything and anyone in our life that comes to mind that has ever hurt us, etc...to allow ourselves to grieve instead of pushing it aside and just trying to "get over it." Everyone grieves in different ways and at different speeds. They MUST be allowed to do this! Don't rush it!
Leaving is a part of life and God has asked me to do it at this time. Does this mean I won't miss those I love, be sad about not being "around", or grieve? As Paul says, "BY NO MEANS!" It just means I am walking in the abundant love God has created for me. I can't wait!
People in the Bible were always leaving their life as they new it to pursue God's vision for them. Moses was pushed down a river ("leaving" his family) before he could even make the choice himself; the rest of his life surrounded leaving comfort and privilege to pursue God's task of leadership and redemption of His people.
Jacob had to flee from Esau after stealing his birthright. He leaves home and ends up in the desert first:
"12 He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. 13 There above it stood the LORD, and he said: "I am the LORD, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. 14 Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. 15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:12-15)
God gives Him a promise (the land), a task (multiply & bless), and a journey...Jacob has to LEAVE this piece of land to inherit it.
There are many, many more examples throughout the Bible of God's promises to those who obey His instruction to get up and go. In my case, I tend to allow fear to enter in. Fear for family and friends' safety and fear that I will miss out on the lives of the people I love.
I had trouble sleeping last night. It took me forever to go to sleep (after 1 am) and I snapped awake at 6:30 am this morning with my mind running a mile a minute. (I always do that before I travel). One thing that was running through my mind was something God was speaking to me about leaving and missing out on others lives. God was telling me this morning that I am not responsible for others' lives; that I cannot bare this responsibility. He was telling me that if I don't follow His leading then I will miss out on my own ABUNDANT LIFE! Wow! What a life-giving rebuke from God. I HAVE TO LEAVE TO DISCOVER THE ABUNDANT LIFE GOD HAS FOR ME.
I will miss my family and friends. I will miss my life here at home. It will be a struggle to be gone again during the holidays. To not be able to come home. This is okay! I learned last year during World Race training that is okay to grieve and to struggle through things while still following the path of God. Last year we were asked to do something called "Grief Journaling." This is where we had to sit and write out everything that's on our mind, what we are sad about, anything and anyone in our life that comes to mind that has ever hurt us, etc...to allow ourselves to grieve instead of pushing it aside and just trying to "get over it." Everyone grieves in different ways and at different speeds. They MUST be allowed to do this! Don't rush it!
Leaving is a part of life and God has asked me to do it at this time. Does this mean I won't miss those I love, be sad about not being "around", or grieve? As Paul says, "BY NO MEANS!" It just means I am walking in the abundant love God has created for me. I can't wait!
Monday, April 5, 2010
A Viewpoint on Religion
This is a great blog written by my squad coach from the World Race, Michael Hindes. Makes you think!
-------------------------------------
Rantings on Religion…
Most who know me know that I’m not a very religious guy. In fact the word religion makes my skin crawl. It stirs up in me all the demands placed on Christians to attend, to memorize, to dress, to act, to self loathe, and ultimately to judge those who don’t.
Religion demanded: the death of a Savior, the circumcision of the early church, the end of the creative arts in the middle ages, haircuts in the 70’s, picket signs in the 80’s, a single political party to vote for in the 90’s, and a suspicion with subsequent hatred of people who are different.
Religion allowed: the death of a Savior, the ruthless murders of 1st century gospel prophets, cast systems to be established around the world, the enslavement of different colored people, the continued abuse of young boys in the supposed safety of the church, the oppressive ignoring of a woman’s true place, the bombing of abortion clinics, the blaming of homosexuals for the falling of the twin towers, and the accusations that Haiti brought on it’s latest plight by forming a bond with the devil.
I know this sounds harsh – but those are the facts as I see them…
Jesus is busy giving out grace. Religion is busy giving out demands and laws.
The world can’t see Jesus through the religious veil of judgment, anger, and hostility.
I’m concerned about the next leg of the Church’s journey. In her current state she won’t make it if she allows the influence of religion to continue. And let me tell you it’s not about traditional versus seeker-friendly or charismatic versus evangelical. It’s about Spirit versus law and life versus death. Religion has caused us to live at the wrong tree for too long. It’s constant force-feeding of the church with the apple of comparison is making us all sick.
I do however see some hope. There are some new churches out there (even some old ones with new mindsets) that stay out of politics, feed the poor, care for orphans, worship with abandon, encourage community, and hand out grace in large doses. They are full of reckless hope - my mother would say of them “they’re as happy as if they were in their right minds”.
They’re not charismatic, pentecostal, seeker-friendly, fundamental, emergent, protestant, or catholic. They can’t be labeled and they can’t be named. In fact they hate both - if they didn’t have to have a name they wouldn’t. They just are, they just exist, and they just do the thing without fanfare…
They do have an enemy though; it’s the enemy within, because we all have a tendency towards religion. Religion will accuse them of: pandering to sin, stretching grace too far, not practicing truth, and certainly not being deep enough.
To the new hopeful church I say “Run Forrest Run”! Run from religion, run from politics, run from easy already formed answers, run from anything that isn’t saturated with grace, and run from that which doesn’t smell of Holy Spirit fire.
Come on new hopeful, grace filled church make it happen. Don’t be concerned about buildings, weekly financial needs, marketing strategies, or attendance figures. Just feed, clothe, love, worship, and live…
-------------------------------------
Rantings on Religion…
Most who know me know that I’m not a very religious guy. In fact the word religion makes my skin crawl. It stirs up in me all the demands placed on Christians to attend, to memorize, to dress, to act, to self loathe, and ultimately to judge those who don’t.
Religion demanded: the death of a Savior, the circumcision of the early church, the end of the creative arts in the middle ages, haircuts in the 70’s, picket signs in the 80’s, a single political party to vote for in the 90’s, and a suspicion with subsequent hatred of people who are different.
Religion allowed: the death of a Savior, the ruthless murders of 1st century gospel prophets, cast systems to be established around the world, the enslavement of different colored people, the continued abuse of young boys in the supposed safety of the church, the oppressive ignoring of a woman’s true place, the bombing of abortion clinics, the blaming of homosexuals for the falling of the twin towers, and the accusations that Haiti brought on it’s latest plight by forming a bond with the devil.
I know this sounds harsh – but those are the facts as I see them…
Jesus is busy giving out grace. Religion is busy giving out demands and laws.
The world can’t see Jesus through the religious veil of judgment, anger, and hostility.
I’m concerned about the next leg of the Church’s journey. In her current state she won’t make it if she allows the influence of religion to continue. And let me tell you it’s not about traditional versus seeker-friendly or charismatic versus evangelical. It’s about Spirit versus law and life versus death. Religion has caused us to live at the wrong tree for too long. It’s constant force-feeding of the church with the apple of comparison is making us all sick.
I do however see some hope. There are some new churches out there (even some old ones with new mindsets) that stay out of politics, feed the poor, care for orphans, worship with abandon, encourage community, and hand out grace in large doses. They are full of reckless hope - my mother would say of them “they’re as happy as if they were in their right minds”.
They’re not charismatic, pentecostal, seeker-friendly, fundamental, emergent, protestant, or catholic. They can’t be labeled and they can’t be named. In fact they hate both - if they didn’t have to have a name they wouldn’t. They just are, they just exist, and they just do the thing without fanfare…
They do have an enemy though; it’s the enemy within, because we all have a tendency towards religion. Religion will accuse them of: pandering to sin, stretching grace too far, not practicing truth, and certainly not being deep enough.
To the new hopeful church I say “Run Forrest Run”! Run from religion, run from politics, run from easy already formed answers, run from anything that isn’t saturated with grace, and run from that which doesn’t smell of Holy Spirit fire.
Come on new hopeful, grace filled church make it happen. Don’t be concerned about buildings, weekly financial needs, marketing strategies, or attendance figures. Just feed, clothe, love, worship, and live…
Friday, March 19, 2010
Always Learning...Always Growing
I am still learning a lot as I prepare to teach in Hungary in the fall! One thing I have learned is that you never stop learning or growing. Just because you go off and do a challenging 11 months overseas where you give up "everything" and stretch yourself further than you thought you could go spiritually and physically, DOES NOT mean you are done. I am by no means complete or "spiritually mature." God still wants to stretch me and continue to push my faith past the limits of where I THINK I can go.
As I am preparing for Hungary by support raising, I have also learned that things will not necessarily go the same way, or as smoothly, this time around as it did for me on the World Race. A lot of things are different from last year. For instance, I gave myself less than 6 months to prepare whereas last time I picked the very last trip possible (allowing for at least a year of support raising). In preparing for teaching overseas, I felt like I needed to put things more in God's hands this time and trust that deadlines mean nothing to Him and He will provide. So far I have failed to trust in this provision at least twice a week as I look at my low support account. He continues to remind me every day...TRUST...TRUST...
I had also started really early last year sending out support letters, speaking to churches, etc. This year I have not sent out as many letters yet or spoken to any church congregations yet. From the beginning of this process in January I had decided that I would not stress as much over the support raising aspect of "going" and would make sure to leave room for God to work. My fear, though, is that I have not done all I can on my part when I should...and still I worry about the money. After being sick this week (not feeling able to do anything), realizing that I have 4 months until I leave, and only having $1,000 in my support account I feel like it is time to start working harder and praying harder. When I prepared for the World Race, my support came in pretty easily. This time may be different...and I need to be okay with that.
Another struggle I have faced this time is that I am used to the way things have been done in the past with support raising and working with AIM (having gone to Kenya in 2006 and on the World Race with them). As I begin to work with Teach Overseas, I am starting to see how they run things differently, not worse but just different. Coming on, I think I assumed and acted as if their processes were the same. So I am having to relearn and adjust my support raising according to this. For instance, with AIM, I was able to have all supporters send their support directly to AIM (they actually preferred I did this). With Teach Overseas, I automatically did this, but I learned that when I do I have no way of knowing if someone noted they will support me monthly or that they will support me in prayer. Oops! This has been a source of worry and frustration for me in the last couple of weeks. It just means more work in contacting my supporters and letting them know about this slip-up.
When I went on the World Race, we immediately had to learn to give up what we know and what is comfortable to open our eyes for what God wants to do in and through us. Looks like I am still learning how to do this. Bring it on!
As I am preparing for Hungary by support raising, I have also learned that things will not necessarily go the same way, or as smoothly, this time around as it did for me on the World Race. A lot of things are different from last year. For instance, I gave myself less than 6 months to prepare whereas last time I picked the very last trip possible (allowing for at least a year of support raising). In preparing for teaching overseas, I felt like I needed to put things more in God's hands this time and trust that deadlines mean nothing to Him and He will provide. So far I have failed to trust in this provision at least twice a week as I look at my low support account. He continues to remind me every day...TRUST...TRUST...
I had also started really early last year sending out support letters, speaking to churches, etc. This year I have not sent out as many letters yet or spoken to any church congregations yet. From the beginning of this process in January I had decided that I would not stress as much over the support raising aspect of "going" and would make sure to leave room for God to work. My fear, though, is that I have not done all I can on my part when I should...and still I worry about the money. After being sick this week (not feeling able to do anything), realizing that I have 4 months until I leave, and only having $1,000 in my support account I feel like it is time to start working harder and praying harder. When I prepared for the World Race, my support came in pretty easily. This time may be different...and I need to be okay with that.
Another struggle I have faced this time is that I am used to the way things have been done in the past with support raising and working with AIM (having gone to Kenya in 2006 and on the World Race with them). As I begin to work with Teach Overseas, I am starting to see how they run things differently, not worse but just different. Coming on, I think I assumed and acted as if their processes were the same. So I am having to relearn and adjust my support raising according to this. For instance, with AIM, I was able to have all supporters send their support directly to AIM (they actually preferred I did this). With Teach Overseas, I automatically did this, but I learned that when I do I have no way of knowing if someone noted they will support me monthly or that they will support me in prayer. Oops! This has been a source of worry and frustration for me in the last couple of weeks. It just means more work in contacting my supporters and letting them know about this slip-up.
When I went on the World Race, we immediately had to learn to give up what we know and what is comfortable to open our eyes for what God wants to do in and through us. Looks like I am still learning how to do this. Bring it on!
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